I’m not going to write anymore online about our specific conflict or makeup, and if you know me in person and know more of this story, please don’t add any details in the comments. I do want to talk a bit about one aspect of coming back together with my mom, which is that sometimes the things you want and the things you don’t want are the same thing or arise from the same source.

A detail from one of the baby quilts my grandma made.

During my childhood, my grandma made 15 baby quilts. Each of us grandchildren picked out our three favorites that we would be given when we had babies. Right after Dylan was born, I got a notice of a package waiting for me at the post office, which was from my mother who I was not speaking to at the time. I hadn’t seen my quilts or really thought about them since picking them out 15 years ago or so, but when I found out there was a package, the first thing that immediately popped into my head was, “I hope it’s my baby quilts.” My next thoughts were about the possibility of not picking up the package at all. I mean, I didn’t want to hear from my mom, so it didn’t matter what the package was, I didn’t want it, right? I went to pick it up, and sure enough, it was the baby quilts. It was interesting moment for me: desiring so hard to not have any contact from my mother and yet strongly desiring this contact that I got.

There was a similar moment this weekend, before I made the decision to forgive my mom and having that conversation with her. I was hanging out with a group of my family that didn’t include my mom, and there was some awkwardness to the conversation, a bit of stilted-ness and extra silences. I thought to myself that if my mom were there, the conversation would be more enjoyable. My mom and I have never had trouble having enjoyable conversation or finding things to talk about. I had gone into this weekend wishing I could see everyone but her, but here I was wishing that she were present.

The things you want and the things you don’t want can be the same thing.

My ability to make up with my family arises greatly from being on Zoloft. I feel differently about many things when I’m not in a fog of depression. For awhile now, I have also noticed a creeping change that I associate with age. When I look back on myself in the past, I see a lot of black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking, and while I removed a great many things from my life that I didn’t want, I may have also kicked out a great many things that I did want in the process.

With some combination of age and anti-depressants, I feel like I have more room for messy relationships, more comfort with uncertainty, and a greater capacity for complexity.

Tell me the story in the meantime since I can read comments on my phone wherever I am. What are your Thanksgiving plans? Any grand traditions you’ll fulfill? Anything you’re nervous or excited about? What’s your favorite Thanksgiving food? Your least favorite?

Tomorrow I will get on an airplane with Dylan and travel to Iowa where I will celebrate Thanksgiving with the extended family I haven’t seen in about a decade.

I’m terrified.

I’m not going to explain in this public forum why I haven’t seen my family in so long, and I can barely explain to myself why I’m going to see them now. Some of them I will be happy to see. Others, less so. I guess some of them will be happy to see me and others less so.

I’m trying to pack (traveling with cloth diapers is tricky), and I’m trying not to check any luggage (another bit of trickiness), and as I try to choose my clothes I feel like I’m dress for the prom, each tiny decision somehow exhaustingly important.

I’m worried that there’s no room in my two bags for my confidence. For my self.

Here’s the family from around 1995.

The family I’ll meet this year has lost some members and picked up several new members. It will be interesting to see how I fit in.

I’m sure it’ll all go fine. Things like this generally do. Things tend to slide along in their own way and in a way that works out all right in the end.

In the meantime, though, I’m terrified. This is all that’s on my mind tonight.

Here are some pictures Joshua took today. You get to vote! I’m looking for one to use as my user picture at Google+, Gravitar, etc. Which one do you like best for a user picture?

UPDATE: The 1st photo is the winner by a big margin. Thanks to everyone who voted!

Vote in the comments!

I started taking Zoloft about three weeks ago. I had a week of physical side effects like dry mouth and muscle tension combined with a jittery desire to do stuff. Then I had a week or so of outright happiness. Now I’m feeling kind of flat, with a little bit of worry on top. Since it’s supposed to take 4-6 weeks for the effects to settle in, I’m sure I’ll feel differently next week. It was nice for the happiness to coincide with Alchemy because I had a great time and was more social than usual. I’d love to make a post about it all, but, well… this is all I’ve got.

Joshua and I have joked about how Zoloft is the one with the rain clouds in the commercials, so I was going to include a picture of that. I found this one, though, and it is more like how I experience depression: a happy little butterfly outside mocking me while I’m stuck in my dark cave.

Anyway, nothing to worry about; I’m doing okay. I’m just floating along, taking care of myself, and taking care of Dylan, and things like blog posts are a low priority for the moment. I hope to be back at it soon.

(Found here.)

Sex-related and curse words:

• ass, bitching, bitchy, cock, cum, fuck, fucked, and fucking (hmm, wonder what my favorite word is?), quickie, shit, shitty, slut-wear

Random sound words:

• erm, hah, haha, mwah, schoop, s000000, W00t, Wheeeeee

Fertility related:

• glucophage, hypothyroidism, ovulation, prometrium, progesterone

And the These Are Real Words, Dammit category:

• largish, smallish, lurv, moop-y, nomming, thingie, yum, yummy

So there’s vulgarity, random noises, trying to have a baby, and making shit up.

My phone knows all my secrets!