Rewind – Honesty

On rewind days, I bring you a post that has previously appeared at my other now-defunct blog, Right to Bleed. If you’ve read it before, skip on by, or go ahead and enjoy the rewind.

This one is from November 6th, 2008.

Honesty

A few days ago, Chris directed me to an article on Radical Honesty, perhaps because of my recent tell-all endeavor of laying my inner childhood thoughts bare for the world to see. Radical Honesty is a small movement headed up by Brad Blanton. I read one of his books years ago. I was struck by the simplicity and potential life-changing power of committing to always speaking honestly in personal relationships. I was also struck by the high degree of woo-woo espoused by this guy, and the bulk of the book didn’t appeal to me as much as the basic idea of speaking honestly. I was interested to read this article and revisit the idea.

Blanton advocates removing the filter between your brain and your mouth. If you’re in a conversation with someone and you’re bored out of your mind, he might suggest that you say it exactly how you’re thinking it. For example, “You’re boring the shit out of me right now with your inane little ramblings, and I’m going to go do something else.”

This has a certain appeal to it. If my choices were simply between that and holding my tongue to the point of torturing myself on the altar of politeness, I’d want to choose speaking my mind. However, I think it’s possible to be honest – completely honest – while also avoiding the abrupt and brutal direction Blanton seems to take things.

One thing I like to consider is that what is “true” isn’t necessarily always a straight black-and-white assessment. Take this example. Say I’ve got this friend, Sherry, who many people judge to be a bitch. Maybe she’s brash and opinionated, talks over other people a lot, likes to point out people’s flaws, and is a generally loud and obnoxious character. It’s “true”, in some sense, that Sherry is a bitch. Maybe I consider saying this to her, in an effort to be honest. However, I think there are other aspects in the mix, beyond just whether or not I consider the statement to be true. Is it true that I want to express it to her? Is it true that it’s something she “needs” to hear? Is it true that she’s unaware of it and might benefit from my insight? Is it true that the effect my statement will have on our relationship is what either of us desire?

The other issue is that what is “true” is not synonymous with “what I’m thinking”. When I call someone a bitch, by what objective criteria am I making this observation? If I polled 20 people, would they all agree that she’s a bitch? Probably not. That means my assessment of her is at least in part about me, and not just something that is “true” about her.

This is what leads me to avoid Blanton’s Radical Honesty and instead pursue the philosophy of Nonviolent Communication, which is promoted by Marshall Rosenburg. NVC suggests speaking honestly with oneself and others, but approaching a level of honesty that is more in touch with your actual feelings and needs than just accepting the first things that pop into your mind. We all have a lot of cultural conditioning giving us language to label and judge ourselves and others and ways to minimize the feelings and needs of ourselves and others.

What does, “You’re a bitch,” even mean? Does it really communicate anything useful, other than to give the other person the equally non-useful thought, “And you’re an asshole”? NVC starts with trying to separate our observations from our judgments.  “Bitch” is clearly a judgment, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something happening worth noticing and speaking honestly about. If I can identify that thing, I can make more progress towards my own happiness and a connection with the other person. For example, “The last two times I have begun to speak, you have interrupted me.” This is a statement of observation that is grounded in fact rather than judgment. It isn’t exaggerated with “always”, it doesn’t involve name-calling, and it expresses what I’m thinking much clearer than the sloppy, “You’re a bitch.”

Another step of NVC is expressing my feelings in a non-criticizing way and instead connecting with our deeper, universal needs and feelings. “I’m mad because you’re interrupting me,” expresses my feeling and indicates what I have a problem with, but lays the fault on the other person. Again, I think of the poll. Would everyone agree? Well, my boyfriend never minds if he gets interrupted. So if I mind being interrupted, it’s clear that my feelings are caused by my thoughts, not an objective cause-and-effect begun by the other person. None of that is to say that I shouldn’t be upset. It’s just that it may be more effective for me to communicate my feelings in a way that digs a little deeper. “I’m upset because when you interrupt me, I think to myself that you don’t care about my thoughts, and I want to be able to share and connect with you.”

It’s also important to ask for what you want in relation to the thoughts and feelings that you’re having. “You’re a bitch,” contains no avenue for growth for us. “You have interrupted me twice in this conversation and I’m worried that you don’t value my opinions,” gets closer, but still may not lead to a resolution. A clear request for what would help you resolve your feelings helps outline a direction to move. “Would you mind if we took this conversation a bit slower and let each of us finish our full thought before the other one responds?” is one possible request.

The other person might not agree, of course. In order for your request to truly be a request, and not a demand, it has to be okay for the other person to disagree. NVC books contain a lot of information about how to stay in the process, not abandon yourself, and work to hear the same things from the other person – their observations, feelings, needs, and requests – in order to head towards solutions that work for you both.

The bottom line, for me, in reading this article about Radical Honesty, is twofold. 1) I agree 100% that we should stop hiding so many of our true thoughts and feelings. 2) I think there are more and less satisfying ways to achieve clarity and honesty in your life. For me, Nonviolent Communication has been very helpful.

Tags: Honesty, Marshall Rosenburg, Nonviolent Communication, NVC, Rewind